But Something had changed
I've always wanted to share in some way. Even tho I've come so far there's still a weight of shame that I carry. So this was the best way. Anonymously I get to share it, let it out but can maintain my privacy. Hearing that it made you emotional makes me tap into my emotions but I'm just so thankful for this life I had today. That I would never have imagined for myself. I have truly been blessed.Yes, I would like to edit it if possible. Do I just fix it and resend it to you? Is that how it works?My wife was molested from the ages of 7 to 13 by her grandfather, I've cried a lot for all the torture she's going through.Sure just send me what you want fix and I'll do it right awayI feel her pain. It's difficult to deal with, but a loving husband is one of the best things a woman who's been abused can have. It not only allows us to feel loved it also doesn't allow us to just see the world from the perspective of abuse. We get to see the other side.Thanks for the advice!!! Beautiful!!I am going to fix it and repost here so you can just copy and repaste it.Thank youAwesome look forward to it16 hours agoI fixed the typos and made a few changes. I appreciate you posting it! smile emoticonOnly a few select people know my "story". I've been diagnosed with ptsd, bipolar, anxiety disorder, and an unspecified eating disorder. This isn't the hardest thing to cope with. I'm medicated and have learned how to live and cope but it's those occasional smells, or things I see that bring a memory back that are toughest to deal with. Although I don't think of it often and have moved past all the obstacles within my life, every once in a while- it hurts. I have four siblings and at the age of 7, three were left behind with family while myself, my mother, her boyfriend and one of my older sisters moved away. You can't even drive where we moved, it's only accessible by plane or boat. The entire three years we lived there her boyfriend molested me, and I lived with that secret daily. He tried to teach me oral by asking me to put a big sugar cane in my mouth. As I got older and had my own children I often wondered how a mother couldn't know.... how could someone be so blind? I'd like to think as a mother, that something like that couldn't get past me. She wasn't the best of mothers either. She was verbally, physically and mentally abusive. My sister and I were beaten with belts, slippers, brooms, or her hands, whatever was within her reach. I was told by the one person who should have loved and nurtured me that I would never be anything. That I was a bitch and many other things. The one that stuck with me the most throughout my life and rang in my head over and over as I went into adulthood, was her saying that I would never be anything. I believed that. We eventually after 3 years moved back to the states and I could see my siblings again who were nearly adults at this time anyway. I missed them tho and wondered if that man could have done what he did had they been there... especially my older brother. I never had a father, he was the closest thing to it and till this day I adore him and know because of him and my husband good men exists. It didn't end there tho. A few more things were to come. Beatings by my mom that were basically like she was fighting a woman on the street as I got older. Being punched in the face by her, my rebellious years and more sexual abuse. My oldest sisters boyfriend offered me crack and I'm thankful to this day I was old enough to say that I would pass.I was 13 he was 28 and I wasn't sure what it was, besides weed was my thing. That's another moment that has crossed my mind. I was so young, had I tried that, with all the issues I had in my head; I may have been a drug addicted prostitute. I really dodged a bullet with that one! But he tried to push me onto the floor and touch me, thankfully my mom came home and he jumped out of an upstairs window. Then there was my friends dad who decided to play hide and seek on Halloween at his house in the dark with his daughter and our other friend. She was a big girl and when he found her he touched her and eventually threw her onto a bed. Like I said she was a big girl and when he threw her on the bed it broke and made a loud noise. I was afraid, again 13 I wasn't sure what it was and didn't move, just waited to be found. When I was, he then touched me. I mean that's all I was good for right? This is normal right? We ran away that night together and did get help. We told what he did and he did get in trouble. In addition to having consequences with the law, my brother in law shot him several times with a bb gun in his face. ( a different brother in law, not the one who tried to sexually assault me) That wasn't the worst tho. That wasn't the one that broke me. That wasn't the one that put me into shock and completely changed my life, that comes later in the story.I started to rebell. I ended school with a sixth grade education. I mean I was passed to 7th grade but missed so many days from skipping that I had to repeat it, and then again the following year. That was my last year of school, leaving me with a sixth grade education. I ran away, I stole, I smoked weed, I smoked dust, was promiscuos, played with guns and shot them in the air, stole cars. Thank god I never physically ever hurt anyone. I wound up in several different places they put juvenile delinquents, and the last one, the hard one, the one that was as closest to prison as you could get changed me in ways for the better and in some for the worse. Maybe some of you have wondered while reading this-where was her dad? Well it's no surprise he was just another person who caused me pain. He denied me and when I was in that facility paternity was done. He was def my father. He wrote me and I shared with him all of my experiences and he would write back and apologize and say he wished he had been there for me to protect me. He gained my trust and finally I had someone who loved me. Whom I was a part of and he loved me. I got my G.E.D while I was in there. I had a sixth grade education but a high IQ and was able to retain things, I passed it! And I left there with my G.E.D. I was 16. I still wasn't changed tho. I still wanted to drink and smoke weed and steal and had the wrong friends. My mom thought it'd be a good idea for a change of scenery and I should go with my dad. I wasn't there very long. My life would never and I mean NEVER be the same again. I had hoped something would change for me, but THIS? This wasn't what I had imagined. This man who gained my trust and made me believe he could and would protect me did what I consider to be the worst of all. At least with the others I had no expectations. They hurt me and that's the way it was, but this man; I expected to be safe with him. It was all I was ever worth to many men that I had met up to that point. It wasn't molestation, it wasn't a touch, it was penetration. This man laid on top of me and penetrated me. My biological father. Ya know it's strange because I could have FOUGHT but I didnt. I layed there on my back and wept silently because I knew in my mind at that moment if my own father is capable then this is surely all I'm worth. From there it gets a little fuzzy. After years of therapy it dawned on me what I experienced after was shock. I think that's where the PTSD came into my life full force. I really had been broken. I actually have no words to explain that feeling of devestation. I literally went into shock. All I remember for two days was laying in a bottom bunk bead staring at a white wall. I don't remember hearing anything, I don't remember moving. I mean I had to have atleast got up and went to the bathroom right? If I did, I have no recollection of it. Just a white wall and then a phone call. I remember him saying my mom was on the phone. She said I didn't sound right and what was the matter? I told her nothing. She sent for me anyway. I wonder how I sounded..... maybe deflated. I wonder how she knew that something was seriously wrong. I went home back to what I knew, back to what was familiar. He lives in another state that was very different from mine. Aside from what took place, there were other people I formed relationships with whom I still have till this day and whom I love. He made a comment before I left and said that this happened because as I laid on his couch, I did so in a seductive way. I blamed myself of course, but now a 35 year old woman, I know that's such bullshit. So that broke me, that and the fact that when I went home, I found out a month later I was pregnant. Could it get any worse? What did I do in this lifetime to deserve being pregnant by a man who raped me, who happened to be my father? Everyone found out at that point because I was a naive child who didn't know any better. I had a boyfriend prior to leaving and going to live with him so I thought, maybe it was his. I walked into a hospital with my best friend and asked for a sonogram. I told them the story and that I needed a sonogram because if it was my boyfriends I would be around 3 months but if it wasn't I would know, and I'd be able to make a decision. By law they have to report any rapes, so they did. My mom was informed, the police, the police in his state. The baby was his- my dads. His family didn't believe a word and summed it up to me being a spiteful child who was getting back at him. FUCK you! That's how I feel about that. I aborted the child. I felt as tho there was a demon growing inside of me. I was baptized when I was younger and knew enough to know it was wrong. I was afraid and young and thought there was something evil growing inside of me. That was the end of that. Im 35 and have not seen or heard from him since I was 16. Actually one of his family members called a few years ago to tell me how sick he was. I think everyone thought he wasnt going to make it. Did he want to apologize? Confess? Well even on his death bed I have no interest unless it is for him to take ownership. Thats it. This is not only a story about others hurting me because I did my own share of hurting others afterwards. I got into a relationship, he wasn't the best choice. He sold drugs, we hit eachother, he cheated on me, and boy did he know how to choose his words to make me feel like garbage. It enraged me. I started the physical abuse in that relationship. The first one to hit was me and that started a chain of abusive events both on his part and mine. Now I was fighting back. Fight, flight, or freeze. I'd never freeze again. We had a daughter tho and she changed my life. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I didn't smoke weed anymore. I just loved her and wanted to be her mom and never let anyone hurt her. He and I didn't last and I got into another abusive relationship that was even worse. Another daughter came and this relationship was worse than the first. THAT didnt last. Now that I'm an adult I look back and know those were MY choices. I chose those men so I'm just as responsible as they were. Afterwards, one of my sisters had two children with a man she was with for about 8 years. Maybe it was longer maybe it wasn't even 8 years. I don't recall but when they separated he pursued me. At first I said it was wrong, I told him that. He started to say nice things to me that made me feel different, loved, appreciated, special and I was thirsty for love. I wanted to feel that I was good and not destined to be abused my entire life. We went for it. He asked me to marry him, he said he loved me and he showed it in so many ways. I hurt my family by choosing this. It was him or them, and for a year I went back and forth. I had guilt for hurting the ones I loved and I had a need he fufilled. I was torn. I would leave him because of that guilt and go back to him because of that need, and he always embraced me with open arms. I learned through my entire life the ones you love hurt you. Was it a surprise I would turn around and hurt the ones I loved? Not to me, I get it. I eventually walked away from him. I was so lost again. But SOMETHING had changed. I wasnt instantly a different person but his love and willingness to accept me set me on a path that would change my life. Selfishly I say, even with what I lost. I do not regret him. I decided to go to college, because I was worthy of bettering myself and he opened my eyes to that. My sister and I no longer have a relationship. In my opinion, she always criticized and was abusive to me in her own way that I don't even feel like it's much of a loss. But the dynamics of my family changed and that was sad. I knew after him, what I wanted in a relationship. How I wanted to be treated and deserved to be treated and I found that. Ive been with my husband for ten years. He has raised my daughters as his own so much so that you'd never guess they aren't his. But I hurt him too. I cheated on him. I assaulted him with my words. Remember- I was on a path that would change my life but when I met him I was still very wounded. Today I've been in therapy for 7 years. I'm medicated. It took a long time to find the right combination, but I got there and he walked through it with me every step of the way. I'm lucky that he believed in me because I'm finally here, graduating with my bachelors in psych in the spring. I've obtained my associates and now my bachelors. I love and appreciate him and have a healthy strong relationship. I'm happy, fufilled and have three beautiful children who I live for and protect with my life. Maybe my heartache and my struggles were so that my beautiful children could grow up knowing they're loved. Maybe if all that happened to me hadnt, I wouldn't be the mother I am. All I know is, I made it! Im no longer broken and altho those things make up a lot of who I am, they do not define me. They do not control me and I've let go of them. Forgiveness to all, because I couldn't carry that burden. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God for bringing me here. For loving me like no other man ever could. I'm good enough for this life. I good enough for my husband and I'm good enough for my children and most important, I'm good enough for me!
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